Just What the Doctor (Did Not) Order

When the doctor says: Start this Z-pack today, and call me if you're not feeling much better in 5 days.

I hear: If you are not totally better by day 2 hour 6, call me for the miracle drug I know about but am mystically not prescribing today.

When the doctor says: Cut back on caffeine and hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!

I hear: Cokes and high-octane coffee will probably be screaming your name, so go ahead and indulge even more than normal. Sip water occasionally as though it is poison.

When the doctor says: Stay home and get lots of rest!

I hear: You're gonna be bored, so you should probably take this opportunity to run all the errands you've been putting off for weeks. Also, it would be fun to take the dogs on a walk so they can pretend to be contenders in the Iditarod Sled Dog Race, except you will not be riding on a sled but will instead run top-speed behind them while screaming STOPPPPPPP------AHHHH!!!!! The screaming will, unfortunately, only whip them into a frenzy of running faster. Enjoy.

When the doctor says: Take this cough suppressant before bed.

I hear: Forget the cough suppressant, and enjoy your alone time! At 2 a.m.!

When the doctor says: Try a sinus rinse and see if that's helpful!

I hear: Persist with the sinus rinse until you accidentally waterboard and nearly blind yourself. Because that's seriously helpful. And also very neat from a housekeeping perspective.

Hearing problems. I blame it on my age.

PS: To my knowledge, there is no miracle drug. Please let me know asap if you know otherwise.


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