3.18.2014

If the Saying Were "The Early Bird Gets the Tory Burch Sandals," More People Would Actually Want to Wake Up Early


So I started one of those awful group texts this morning about getting kids hither-and-to, and it pinged around until finally someone said "this is an awful lot of planning before 8 a.m." and someone replied "the early bird catches the worm!" (For the record, I only started a text that early because I knew all parties involved were already awake. Unless, of course, they were sick or sleeping in, in which case I feel terrible and apologize.)

You would think the entire situation would have sent me back on my tangent about the evils of group texts and reply alls, but in fact it sent me down a completely different yet equally compelling path:

Why would anyone, ever, think "catching a worm" would incentivize human beings to wake up early? Yes, I understand the point is if you get the first crack at something because the normal folks are sleeping you're more likely to get what you want, especially if it's in limited supply. I also grasp it's a phrase from way-back-when (though I doubt even Englishmen in the 1600s were super-interested in consuming worms as a reward for awakening before dawn), but people today need better encouragement. Us modern-day earthlings have higher expectations. Let's blame that on electricity and Google for now, but in the meantime I have a few proposed alternatives. What if ...


  • "The early bird gets candy or cash -- user choice."
  • "The early bird gets a pedicure replete with lavender-scented salts."
  • "The early bird gets to eat nachos whenever they want with no weight gain whatsoever."
  • "The early bird gets their all their household laundry done by someone else."
  • "The early bird gets a cute pair of Tory Burch sandals" (see above: pedicure.)
  • "The early bird gets clear answers on what the hell happened to that Malaysian Airlines plane, because certain birds take issue with airplanes that vanish with 200+ people on board 'probably' over an ocean with a depth of 15,000 feet, give or take."
  • "The early bird gets a portable, personal PA system to holler at people doing stupid stuff on the roads/at various athletic events/from the den at family members when the bird is bored" (something I've been asking for for YEARS, yet never seem to get for my birthday. Or Christmas. Or Any Holiday. I feel under-appreciated.)
Per the usual, there is no moral to this story except to say in my mind early risers are weird and probably like eating worms, and until someone rewrites this little proverb with the end-user in mind ...

I'm sleeping in.

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