On the Potential Legal Ramifications of Stunning One's Self with a Stun Gun

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I would like to share, in no particular order, a few things that amused me over the weekend:

I accidentally sexted my 13-year-old daughter. I swear to you autocorrect changed the key word after I hit send. I have encouraged her to continue to say "no thank you" to any and all similar propositions, whether accidental or intentional, until she is 30 years of age.

I learned that showering and shaving under duress has the potential to cost time versus save time. Because as I stepped out of my speedy, have-to-pick-up-a-whole-mess-of-kids-in-20-minutes shower, I briefly thought I had been the victim of a drive-by shooting. Never mind that I was in the bathroom on the third story of my suburban home with the only window facing my backyard, I was COVERED UP in blood and I had no idea where it was coming from, and I am from Memphis so my go-to was drive-by. Turned out I had saved myself a cool $300 at my next dermatology appointment because I had hacked a mole off my armpit. I am now considering having all hair lasered off my body to save myself this sort of trouble in the future. Also, if you're with me and I go completely white and my eyes roll back in my head, you'll know the seam of my shirt just scraped the open, gaping wound beneath my arm.

I was reminded that just when you think you know what someone's going to say, they can say something so awesome you want to have a t-shirt made with the quote. My daughter's friend spent all afternoon with us Saturday while her mom was out of town. "S," I said to the cute little girl, from a very nice, buttoned-down family, "what's your mom doing this weekend that takes her out of town?" I was expecting "She's on a girls' trip with her college friends," so when instead I got "She's gambling with my grandmother" I was nearly struck down with the awesomeness of the response. She went on to say all of her grandmother's friends from her retirement community were there, too. Her mom then elevated the whole situation to a brand-new level of freaking amazingness by informing me that while she turned in a little after midnight, all the retirees gambled until dawn and stumbled back to their hotel rooms in the clothes they were wearing the night before. It's like the walk of shame for grandparents! Except I don't think they were remotely ashamed. I have a new admiration for all retirees.

I think a waitress at Mellow Mushroom thought briefly about calling a medic -- for me. Because I was laughing so hysterically at dinner it was a toss-up whether it was a happy noise or a medical emergency. Only because I happened upon two very amusing videos on my phone: one is of my husband doing "Just Dance" on the Wii. I wish I could share that with you here, but I would never sleep again for fear he would kill me in my sleep, so you'll just have to trust me: it is hysterical. I was hyperventilating with happiness at that video, and also a perennial favorite of my sweet, kind-hearted and loving niece talking my precious but occasionally lacking in the "making sensible decisions" category nephew into testing out a stun gun. On himself. As my sister said "I love how he sticks the landing!" Having people in my family willing to do nearly anything for the amusement of others is what makes life worth living. My nephew - the one boy out of 8 grandkids - rises to the challenge. Every. Single. Time. I will also be forced to withhold that video because ... I dunno, seems like a potential legal issue to me, encouraging a teenage boy (a willing one, but still) shock himself off his feet with a stun gun. But the next time I see you, remind me and I'll happily show you the footage.

That's all. There is no point at all to this post except to document how I am so easily entertained. Really, takes nearly nothing at all.


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